Difficulty

I'm finding myself having difficulty writing here. But I'll keep going anyway.

The thing is there have been some big days now, my daughter turned one, a fact that is jarring for me because I had only known her for 11 months... I turned 32 yesterday, my 31st birthday I spent in a coma... Today it's been a year since they woke me up from the drug-induced coma...

I've been having flashbacks. Imagine if you will, that you're looking at your life, just turn your head right now to the right or to the left and look at what you see as a picture. Now imagine that you see something out of the corner of your eye, or you smell something different, which immediately propels your whole existence into question. The image that you are seeing is not certain in your brain anymore, you can't know if it's real or not, if you really are laying in a bed somewhere making this up in your head or not.

It's an awful awful feeling, and not much I can do when it overwhelms me. I just repeat to myself ''this is real life, this is real, you are not in the coma anymore''. I also have the need to inject humor into my situation and say ''if this were some fantasy concocted by your brain wouldn't the children always be perfectly well behaved, the house spotless and you'd cook gourmet dinners every night?'' Which is certainly not the case let me tell you ;)

But it is a panicky feeling and I just have to ride through it.

I'll write more frequently, it helps me.

To be continued...