Paranoia

I am not a naturally paranoid person. But after I woke up from the coma, there were a couple of days there where paranoia reigned supreme. And the thing is, it doesn't feel like paranoia at all, not when you're submersed in it. It isn't until afterwards that you're all, what the hell was I thinking!

In my mind, I believed that I was supposed to be discharged from the hospital, because, well, I was awake, so I must fine, so let me go home already! But it was taking forever, and I was sure that the nursing staff was somehow affecting the discharge process, that they weren't signing whatever needed signing, that they wouldn't move me to a different room. And then they wouldn't even answer me when I dinged the help button on the bed. I'm not even sure if I even had the strength then to push a button.

I was sure that one nurse was terrified of me, the one that had needed counseling because my husband had just gotten a helicopter to land next to my room. She wouldn't even get me a drink of water. And I was so thirsty, so very very thirsty.

I spied some ice lollies on a table next to my bed, but I couldn't reach them. Either I was too weak or I was still restrained, I'm not sure which. Then a nurse came and took them away, telling me that the ice delivery man had brought the wrong ones. I asked her when he would be coming back, and she replied ''he's been terminated''.

In my room there was a TV, up in the right corner, and if you didn't have a particular channel on, it would just show a loop of fish swimming around, and algae gently breezing in some underwater currents. I don't know why but the scene was entirely Asian to me, maybe it was the little seahorses, but I don't know why my mind would make an Asian connection to that. Anyway, it was just stuck on this aquatic scene and I couldn't change the channel, I was probably restrained so I wouldn't pull out my leads again.

I was convinced that in the room next to mine, there were twin girls, six or seven years old, Korean, and they were dying from cancer, along with their grandparents, who were with them in the room. A Korean family dying of cancer. There was a window from my room to theirs, but there were drapes so I couldn't see them.

These twin girls could communicate with each other telepathically and they did so frequently, only I managed to pick up on their chatter. When they realized this they started messing with me, controlling what fish and what music was playing on my television. I pleaded with them to make the nurses who were always coming into their room, come into my room as well, because I needed help, I wasn't supposed to be here, I needed water, I needed my husband.

This was a day I think my husband drove his mom to our house and did some errands while he was gone. That was a day I needed him with me. That feels awful to say because he was with me so much. But I really needed him during my paranoia day, because my mind would suddenly start weaving him into the paranoia. Why wasn't he here, was he really picking up his mom from the hotel, did he really have to take a shower, was he really spending time with his son... Gah, the paranoia was awful and I felt so alone and no one would help me and I was just fighting telepathically with some mischievous little girls.

I eventually befriended them and played some games with them. They told me they were dying but they were at peace with it, their grandparents would go first.

Can you hear how loony this all sounds? But to me, all this happened.

When the grandfather died, the drapes were open just a little bit, so I could see the nurse sitting on his bed, holding his hands. I couldn't see him because his bed was next to the wall under the window. The nurse had this sort of wistful smile on her face while she was feeling his pulse, feeling him slip away, telling his wife that he was gone. I then saw him, standing behind the nurse, looking down on himself. He was magnificent, tall but bent with age, he had big smooth cheekbones, he looked so wise, he was totally at peace. I would recognize this man if I ever saw him, that's how clear this memory is to me.

None of this happened. Not in this reality anyway.

I've been writing a lot about what was going on in my head, next I need to tackle what my body was going through.

To be continued...